One of the many important things we learned from Thor: Ragnarök is that adding The Incredible Hulk to something can make it better, especially if Hulk’s presence is played for comedy. I think about this a lot. Too much, most normal people would probably say. Luckily, for me if not anyone else, I have a job where that kind of counts as work. I can send my editor a message out of nowhere that reads something like “hey can I write a thing about other movie franchises it would be fun to plop The Incredible Hulk into?” and he will, for some reason, say yes, and then here we are. It’s an interesting system.
So, below, please find an incomplete list of movie franchises I think could be improved by adding The Incredible Hulk, maybe just a little. A few notes before we get into it, though:
- I say “an incomplete list” because the truth is that almost all of the movies ever made could use a dollop of strategically deployed Hulk
- It is still my position that the best use of Hulk is a standalone movie where he’s just trying to find himself while on vacation in Hawaii, drinking mai tais and mingling a bit
- I am serious about this
Here we go.
The Fast & Furious Movies
the Fast&Furious movies already kind of added Hulk once before when they introduced The Rock as Luke Hobbs in fast Five, which I mean mostly as a compliment to everyone involved. But that… didn’t work out, long term, for reasons that are well-documented, occasionally by me. Just cutting through the bullcrap and adding the actual Hulk is helpful here for a few important reasons:
- i would like it
- Everyone else is already in the movies
- I want to see Hulk stuffed behind the wheel of a tiny neon Honda
- I want to see Dominic Toretto and Hulk growl through a conversation
Don’t lose here.
Hulk singing “Dancing Queen” by ABBA
Just really getting after it
I’m serious, picture it, get a full visual in your head right now
Now add Cher
This is a good idea
Hulk and Paddington teaming up to solve a mystery, perhaps involving a theatrical villain played by Tom Hardy. The two of them roaming;p London on the hunt for clues. Paddington riding around on Hulk’s shoulder. Hulk and Paddington encountering a locked door and Hulk smashing through a wall to get in and Paddington saying “oh dear.” Hulk absolutely destroying entire trays of marmalade sandwiches.
Find a flaw in any of this.
There are two factors at play here and I consider them equally important.
The first is that I want to see Tom Cruise interact with the Hulk. I want to see it a lot, so bad, for a whole movie. I want to see Hulk get mad and heave a whole airplane off the deck of an aircraft carrier into the ocean and then I want to see Tom Cruise smirk and say “What did we say about using our words, buddy?” I want to see them sing at a bar together to woo a nice lady. I want to see them walk into an angry superior’s office in their white uniforms and I want to see Hulk’s uniform struggle mightily to contain his massive torso from him.
The second thing is that I want to see Hulk stuffed into the cockpit of a fighter jet. I know a already made the “let Hulk sing” case in the Mamma Mia section and the “stuff Hulk into a small form of transportation” case in the Fast&Furious section, but in my defense, I really like thinking about those things.
Okay, I need you to picture something again. Start with Rocky giving Adonis a big pep talk in a locker room, the kind Rocky has given and received a bunch of times now, about heart and desire and overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles. Then get a good visual of Adonis’ face as he strides toward the ring, the determination and drive written all over it after a full movie’s worth of backstory explained why this particular fight was important and needed to happen. We cut to a shot of Phylicia Rashad in the crowd, equal parts proud and worried. The bells start playing and the famous Rocky music begins to swell…
And then the fight starts and Hulk punches him so hard that he flies into the upper deck like a cartoon. Probably not great for the movie or franchise, I guess. But still, pretty funny.
Sex and the City
CARRIE: I just don’t know what to here. How do I choose between the two of them?
MIRANDA: You need to focus on your career.
CHARLOTTE: Oh stop. Which one makes your heart flutter? That’s the real question.
SAMANTHA: Who says you have to choose?
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: [sipping a cosmo out of a 55-gallon drum] HULK THINK MR. BIG NOT ACTUALLY THAT BIG.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: HELLO?
SCREAM MURDERER: [doing the voice] Do you like scary mov-… hold on. Who is this?
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: THIS HULK.
SCREAM MURDERER: Where is Sydney?
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: SHE IN THE BATHROOM.
SCREAM MURDERER: I’ll… uh… call back.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: OKAY.
Hulk and Harrison Ford racing toward a museum run by Nazis who are trying to use a collection of relics to create an all-powerful weapon that will wipe out their enemies in a single strike.
Hulk is in the sidecar of a two-person motorcycle, weighing the whole thing down and putting it in constant peril of tipping over.
Hulk in a full-length leather trench coat and sunglasses.
That’s actually all I have for this one.
Just that one mental image.
I think it plays.
The Ocean’s Movies
I don’t know, man. I just want to see Hulk take part in a heist, maybe in a tuxedo, maybe with George Clooney. I can’t decide if I’d prefer to see him try to sneak around and just be terrible at it or if I’d rather see him try to wear a disguise that doesn’t fool anyone, but either way, I do want to see it. I also want to see him lose at slots and get angry and bop the machine so hard with his massive fists that it starts spitting out coins and causes chaos on the casino floor.
Which was Danny Ocean’s plan all along.